3 Ways Your Brain Damages Your Self-Esteem

Your brain wasn’t made for the modern era. 

For most of human history we were hunter gatherers surviving in tribes. We didn’t have the stimulation of technology, the safety net of modern medicine or the vastly interconnected social system that we have now.

Because of this fact, our brains and bodies have some left over mechanisms and responses that aren’t exactly suited for our time. Today we are going to be talking about one of the mechanisms and responses that we have left over from a distant past: cognitive biases.

Cognitive biases are tendencies to think in certain ways that can lead to systematic deviations from a standard of rationality or good judgment.

Specifically we’ll explore how these cognitive biases can help cause one of the most rampant mental well-being problems that we all have in common, a low self-esteem.

While you think every decision and thought you hold is completely voluntary, I’m here to show you that the shortcuts your brain takes deeply impact how you view yourself and the world around you. Once we are aware of the tricks our brain can play on us, we can control them a little more.

Negative Bias

Negative Bias refers to the notion that, even when of equal intensity, things of a more negative nature (e.g. unpleasant thoughts, emotions, or social interactions; harmful/traumatic events) have a greater effect on one’s psychological state and processes than do neutral or positive things.

In other words, something we consider very positive could have less of an affect on our mental state and behaviour than something we find to be less intensely negative. It could take 5 positive experiences to outweigh one negative.

If you go outside and five people compliment you, but one person insults you, the insult might affect you more than all of the compliments combined. With this in mind it’s easy to see how our self esteem can be skewed from what it could be if we weighed the positive and negative equally.

Attentional Bias

Attentional Bias is the tendency of our perception to be affected by our recurring thoughts. For example, people who frequently think about the clothes they wear pay more attention to the clothes of others.

Put in the context of self esteem it is easy to see how this could become a problem. If we already think negative thoughts about ourselves often, this bias will send us into a spiral. We will believe that other people are thinking negative things about us and it will become a point of focus for us.

This bias will affect our behaviours and mood based on reoccurring thoughts. If those thoughts are negative (which the negative bias can cause) then we are fighting an uphill battle.

Spotlight Effect

The Spotlight Effect is the phenomenon in which people tend to believe they are noticed more than they really are. Being that one is constantly in the center of one’s own world, an accurate evaluation of how much one is noticed by others has shown to be uncommon.

This can easily damage an already bruised self esteem in that we may believe that everyone around us notices all of the flaws that we see in ourselves. We believe that everyone sees our pimples, or our nervousness in conversations, or our clothes, or height, or whatever else already makes us feel self conscious.

These biases in combination can be detrimental to our mental well-being if we are not aware of them. It’s hard to fight against millions of years of evolution and a brain that we don’t have complete control over. But we have to try to be aware so that the next time some bad happens, we can try to truthfully balance it against the good. Or that we can catch ourselves the next time we are in a spiral of negative thoughts. Or that we can realize that the people around us don’t actually pay as much attention to our flaws as we believe.

If we can keep these biases in mind and try to mitigate their affects whenever possible, we can help lessen the damage they have on our self esteem and live a better quality, happier life.

Stress, And Your Body Thinking It Might Die

You have a headache, an upset stomach, problems getting to sleep, elevated blood pressure and chest pains.

If you looked this up on WebMd.com you’d probably think you were dying from some sort of horrifying disease. But in fact, these are the symptoms of a much more common health problem affecting almost all of us.

Stress

In the same way that pain isn’t all bad because it lets you know the difference between a warm shower and scalding yourself with boiling water, stress isn’t always a bad thing either.

Stress responses in your body during life threatening situations signal your body to stop all non-life-saving functions and focus on getting you out of the burning building, or running away from the man eating lion.

But the problem with stress is that your physiological responses to non-immediate stresses are largely the same as when you’re fighting for survival.

In other words, your body will react roughly the same way whether you are stressing over a cell phone bill, or a meteorite heading towards the earth.

With that in mind it is easy to understand why people under stress can feel like they might die, because their body is reacting that way.

Relieving Stress

So your body thinks every homework assignment, messy kitchen, or job interview that stresses you out is going to kill you.

After a while of building up this stress you need some sort of relief. Stress that continues without relief leads to a condition called distress, which is where things can get really bad.

Distress can cause high blood pressure, heart problems, depression and anxiety among other things.

So what do you do when you are stressed out and need relief?

1) Complete A Repetitive Task

Studies have shown that completing a repetitive task can help your mind unwind.

When everything is piling up around you and you feel like you can’t tackle any of it, completing something as simple as doing the dishes can give you a much needed sense of accomplishment.

It also puts your focus on the task at hand, rather than the prospect of your cell phone bill killing you.

The next time you are feeling stressed, throw yourself into some easy housework. Fold your laundry, vacuum your room, or sort out your loose change.

You can find whatever simple and repetitive task works for you, then use it as your go-to stress reliever.

2) Take A Warm Bath

A warm bath or shower will boost your mood.

Studies have shown that the sensation of warm water triggers responses in the body and brain similar to those of emotional warmth.

When you are in the shower or bath, try to focus on the comfort you feel and keep your mind off of the things that are stressing you out. This will relieve your stress and prepare you to deal with future stress with more ease.

3) Treat Yourself To Endorphins

There are many ways to get those happy chemicals pumping in your brain that will relieve your stress. Here is my quick go-to list:

• Pet a cat
• Eat some dark chocolate
• Enjoy a nice smell (spearmint and lavender have proven effects)
• Listen to your favourite music
• Have a good laugh
• Get some exercise

We all know that you can’t avoid stress entirely. Whether a meteorite is heading to earth or you have a job interview, you are going to be stressed out at some point.

With these tips you will be able to relieve some of that stress, so that you don’t actually die.
Because that would really be stressful.

Looking Confident When You Don’t Feel Confident

Confidence is a hard subject to tackle. It is one of those attributes that always leaves us wanting more.

Even though people have always said that I am a confident and outgoing person, that can quickly fade away when I am put into a situation outside my comfort zone.

No matter how big your comfort zone gets, there is always going to be unexplored territory waiting to test your resilience. When you step outside that boundary, even if you don’t feel confident, you need to show confidence.

That is why I have developed some guidelines that I follow; little confidence hacks that help bring my best self with me even outside my comfort zone.

These tips will help you come off as confident until you expand your comfort zone.
Fake it until you make it!

Whether it is a job interview, a business meeting, talking to the opposite sex or even just trying to make a friend, here are my three confidence hacks.

Smile!

No matter what situation you are in, you should have a smile on your face.
With the obvious exception of a funeral.

I remember being at a group interview a couple of months ago. I could tell that everyone was nervous, as expected, but there was one girl who wore it on her face.

While most people displayed subtle signs of their nerves—Fidgeting, slight stutters, short breath—she was putting on a performance with her expressions. I felt ever grimace, every pound of her heart.

She did not smile one time during the whole interview and it was very clear that she wasn’t good at handling pressure.

Needless to say, she didn’t end up getting the job.

70% of communication is non-verbal, so when you smile you show that you are happy, confident, and attentive. The reverse can show people that you are worried, anxious, unable to handle pressure and a myriad of other qualities you do not want to convey.

Another thing to note is that when you smile, you actually trick your brain into being happier and more relaxed. Your brain says ‘Hey, if I’m smiling I must not be in danger. So things can’t be that bad right?’
Well, it probably doesn’t literally say that.

So even if you are nervous, smile! It will convey to the other party and yourself that you are able to handle this situation.

Eye Contact!

I cannot stress how important this point is. It might seem like something so trivial, but study after study has found that people who maintain higher levels of eye contact are seen as:

• More powerful and confident
• More like-able and attractive
• More emotionally stable
• More qualified and competent
• More trustworthy and sincere

When you make eye contact you are conveying all of these messages to people, but not only that, you are also showing that you actually care about the interaction.

Just imagine engaging with someone who makes little to no eye contact with you. What would you think about this person?

You might think they are nervous, over-thinking, or worst of all that they aren’t even paying attention to you.

Whether it’s a speech, a job interview, a date, or a networking situation, more eye contact results in a better interaction.

The other party will see you as more confident and when you look that person in the eyes, you will be facing your nerves head on.

Body Language!

As I said earlier in this article, 70% of communication is non-verbal.

So far we have dealt with how you convey your confidence through your facial expressions and eyes. Now it is time to deal with the rest of the body.

You could write a whole book on body language—my favourite is ‘How to tell what people are thinking’ by Peter Collett—but I will go over some basic guidelines that will help you convey confidence, and trick yourself into feeling confident.

1) Stand up straight.

In most of the animal kingdom there is a strong connection between height and status. In humans there is an overwhelming amount of evidence supporting this.

While you can’t make yourself taller, you can ensure that you are standing tall, not slouching.

This will show that you are at attention, and that you are not submissive.

2) Keep your head up.

If you have your head down you are subconsciously telling those around you that you are submissive.

Keep you head up and face situations head on to convey confidence and competence.

3) Look comfortable.

Another way to seem confident is to look relaxed.

When you look tense you are sending signals to people that you are nervous, worried or afraid. If you look relaxed then people will believe you are in your comfort zone.

Don’t tense your muscles and don’t fidget or touch yourself. Take deep breathes, talk slowly and show that you are comfortable in the situation.

No one is confident all the time. If you never get nervous then you probably aren’t stepping outside your comfort zone often enough.

When you do step outside that boundary, take these tips with you.

I’m confident that you’ll be just fine.

 

CHANGE YOURSELF TO CHANGE THE WORLD IN 2015

When I was young I wanted to have an impact on the world.

I went through different stages of how I would want to accomplish this task. While going through my blood disorder I wanted to become a doctor, after that I wanted to be in a famous band, and after that I wanted to do something in politics.

I dreamed of changing the world, but I could barely get a handle on my own life and the world that surrounds me, never mind the world at large.

With the coming of the new year I finally feel like I have positioned myself to impact the world on a scale far past anything I have done in the past.

In my dreams I always imagined this point arriving much sooner, but I had a lot of lessons to learn up to this point. Changing the world may seem out of reach, but you can slowly pull yourself towards this goal if you know where to start.

So, here is the behind the scenes. This is the part of changing the world that no one ever talks about. The stages that you must go through that never get the spotlight, the glamour, or the glitz.

Change Your Inner World.

Before you can have any real impact on the world, you must first create your own foundation of excellence within.

When Leroy and I were heavily interested in politics, we got as far as creating an organization called “EFFP: Education For Freedom and Prosperity.” It was a huge milestone for us and I was excited.

The problem was that even though I had all of this ambition, I had no solid foundation within myself. I was sand, not a rock. With the slightest change in the winds of fate I would be distracted, blown this way and that way.

If I had a bad day, a problem with a friend, or a lack of energy I would make no progress that day and possibly fall into a spiral that could take days or weeks to get out of.

If you want to change the world you have to start with yourself. You can’t solve anyone else’s problems if you are still losing the battle against your own.

• Learn to create unshakable happiness. Balance yourself so that you can help balance others.
• Instead of automatic knee jerk reactions to the situations in your life, step back and ask questions first to avoid falling off of your path.
• Stop the constant cycle of regret or nostalgia for the past, and anxiety or worry for the future.
• Learn how to control your mind, rather than have it control you.

If you can build a strong foundation within yourself, you will be able to walk your path towards changing the world without worrying about the next situation that is going to derail you from your goals.

Change Your Environment.

I moved out of my parents house recently. I didn’t realize just how much of an effect that environment had on me until after I had left.

The house was very messy so I stayed in my room. It was tiny and I felt very claustrophobic. Other problems arose and it become unbearable to stay there. It weighed on my mind where ever I went, even when I was at work I felt the residual stress.

Your environment is so important if you want to change the world. If you can’t focus because of mess, negative people, or a bad workplace then you will end up unable to help anyone while trapped in your own problems.

Remember, if you don’t have a solid foundation, you will be too subject-able to the winds of fate and you won’t make it very far down your path to changing the world.

• Learn to stop letting the negative people around you have so much control over your emotions and mentality.
• If you work at a job that you hate, leave and get a new job.
• End the cycle of materialism in your life. Clean your environment and get rid of any unnecessary clutter.
• Surround yourself with things that motivate and excite you. Write down to-do lists and keep them where you will see them every day.

If your surrounding environment is set up properly, even when you have a bad day it will not last long. Everything around you will help you to see why you are on the path that you are on, and encourage you to push through any difficulties.

You should be surrounded by things that make you happy, your goals, and good people.

Once you have changed your inner world and your environment, you will be ready to change the world at large. You will be able to move forward with full focus and truly make a difference.

It’s taken me years to learn those lessons and I’ve spent the last two years dedicated to creating the best version of myself that will best serve the world.

You can’t fight the good fight if you are losing personal battles. Change yourself, then you will change the world.

So until 2015, With love,

Steven Farquharson.

CREATING UNSHAKABLE HAPPINESS

Everyone wants to be happy.

Well, most people I’ve met want to be happy. I won’t say everyone because I am sure that there are certain people out there who want to be sad and hey, if they are happy being sad, then let them be sad… and be happy about it.
If you are happy to be sad, then are you sad or happy? My brain hurts.

For those of us who want to be happy, it can seem like an impossible goal at times.

Someone new comes into your life and you are ecstatic. You get a new car and you take any excuse to go for a ride because you love it. Maybe you even earned a promotion and everything is looking up in life!

But then that person ends up hurting you, that car costs more in insurance, and that promotion has a lot more work with only a minor increase in pay.

How can we be happy when there is always a good and a bad side to every situation we encounter?

Happiness must come from within.

If your happiness comes from anywhere but inside yourself, it can be taken away.

I’m not saying that you should never allow yourself to feel happy because of the people and things around you, I’m just saying that you should strive to achieve a baseline happiness that comes from within yourself.

That way when things go wrong in life—which they will, often—you will be able to take it in stride and learn from it, without it destroying your happiness.

If you want to develop a baseline happiness that emanates from within yourself, like anything else, it will take conscious effort. The most important step you can take towards this goal is to understand what we generally attach our happiness to.

The person (relationships), the car (material objects), and the promotion (goals).

The Person: Relationships.

I’ll let you in on a secret, I have a bit of a crush on someone.

For the past year I have consciously avoided girls because I have wanted to focus on my dreams. From the ages of fifteen to twenty two I never spent much time out of relationships.

I thought that having someone special in my life was integral to my happiness. The problem with thinking that anything outside of yourself is integral to your happiness is that the outside object is bound to fluctuate, and cause your happiness to fluctuate with it.

Every time my significant other would be distant, or things wouldn’t be working out exactly as I wanted, I would spiral downward. It would ruin my mood for days at a time.

Now I have a crush on someone and when things don’t go exactly as I want, I can feel the negativity knocking on my mental door.
Though this time, it is different.

Now I have learned that you can and should allow the people in your life to give you those amazing happy feelings, but you should never base your happiness on those people.

Take in the positive, but when you feel the negativity creeping in, remember that you are enough of a reason to be happy. No person can affect your baseline happiness if it emanates from within you.

The Car: Material Objects.

How many people think they would be happy if they only had all of the material things they want in life.

A new car, a new house and some diamonds sure do sound like they would make you happy! The truth is, that is just not the case.

You’ve heard a millions times that the richest people on the planet can often be the most depressed, and that the poorest can often be the happiest. If that is true, then how can material objects be the key to happiness?

The problem with material objects is that once you have them, the happiness will wear off over time.

When you first get that new flashy car, you will love driving it. You’ll jump at any opportunity to take it out for a spin just so you can show it off.

But humans aren’t thermometers. If you put a thermometer into cold water, it will read the water’s exact temperature no matter how long you leave it there. Move it to warmer water and it will indicate the exact temperature there as well.

Now, if you stick your hand in cold water and then warm water, the warm water will feel piping hot because you just had your hand in cold water. But leave your hand in that warm water for long enough and it will feel normal.

What am I trying to say here? Humans are sensitive to novelty and change, but novelty wears off in time and because the norm.

You had a crappy car and then bought a great car, awesome!

But a year after your purchase while you’re stuck in traffic, you won’t be thinking about your amazing car. The novelty will be gone and you will feel the same as if you were stuck in traffic in your old car.

The same principal applies to all material possessions. They will feel piping hot at first, but eventually they will be the norm and the novelty will be gone.

The Promotion: Goals.

This is a lesson I had to learn the hard way.

When Leroy and I started our blogs the world didn’t bat an eye. No one cared.
But we were happy.

Then eventually we started getting a like or two. From then on, if we didn’t get any likes on our content we would feel like failures.

Then we started reaching some of our goals like getting two hundred views on a post, after that anything less was a disappointment.

The problem with basing your happiness on reaching your goals is that every time you reach a goal, you want to reach further, and again, you aren’t happy unless you do.
And once you do, your expectations are raised again!

You can’t win a race if the finish line keeps moving, and you can’t base your happiness on your goals if your goals always grow.

Again, I’m not saying that you can’t allow yourself to be happy because you have someone new in your life, you got a new toy, or you reached a long sought after goal. I’m just saying that you should never base your happiness on these factors.

I encourage you to cultivate a sense of inner happiness that relies on no outside factors.

Allow happiness to come from outside but when negativity tries to enter, remember that your happiness is based in yourself, not on anything else.

 Be happy because you deserve to be happy, regardless of outside circumstances.

With love,
Steven Farquharson, 2HelpfulGuys