How To Go From Small Talk To Deep Relationships

I love those beautiful nights under the stars, engulfed in conversations about life, purpose and love. When time stands still and the only thing that exists is the connection between you and the other person.

Those are the connections that I live for.

I think everyone has that deeply beautiful side to them, just waiting for someone to reach out and connect to it. Sometimes I just want to walk up to a person and ask them about their dreams, the things they are afraid of and the disappointments that have forged their character.

I want to know every detail about them, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I love that imperfectly perfect image that you discover as you chip away the walls that we build so high.

But you can’t connect to someone on that level right away. You need to start somewhere and build rapport, and there is only one way to do that.

Small Talk

Anyone that knows me well enough knows that I hate small talk. I don’t like all the fluff that surrounds it.

“Wow, the weather is really terrible today, right?”
“How about X sports team, they’ve really been doing badly, right?”

Maybe it’s just me but I don’t really care about that kind of thing, and two people talking about things that don’t interest them, excite them, or reveal any of their beauty makes for a pretty mundane experience.

But, since small talk is never going to go away and is necessary for building a relationship, I’ve decided that I will make it my goal to have the best small talk experiences and transition to real conversations as quickly as possible.

Once you build rapport you can start to relate to a person and explore who they really are. That is where real relationships are forged. That is where you find the people that you can call crying at 2am, the people you can rely on during the good and the bad.

So this is my guide to getting through the small talk as quickly and gracefully as possible, allowing real conversations to flow and real relationships to be cultivated.

Names

I was going through the motions with a customer when he stopped me.

“What’s your name?”
“Oh, It’s Steven.”

And from that point on he used my name in every other sentence. The conversation was amazing and I felt like I had known him my whole life by the end of it. There was a certain warmth to the whole exchange that made it feel that much more real.

Everyone knows that when you meet someone the first thing you should do is introduce yourself, the part where most people fail to capitalize is that they are just going through the motions. Most people don’t even remember the names of those that they engage in small talk with.

When you introduce yourself make sure that you remember the persons name and use it throughout your conversation. People love hearing their name and it creates a sense of familiarity that is essential in transitioning from mundane small talk to anything bigger.

Another thing to keep in mind is that after the introduction people usually never hear your name again, so it’s easy for them to forget it. If you can, mention your own name more than once throughout the conversation so they have a chance to convert it to their long term memory.

You can do this two main ways:

• Address yourself by name. For example, “So I thought to myself, ‘Steven, you have got to get better sleep.'”
• Use your name in dialog. For example, “So my friend said to me, ‘Steven, you have got to get better sleep.'”

If you remember their name while helping them to remember yours, you will have a much better chance of leaving a lasting impression and deepening the connection.

Ask Questions

The second way to ensure that you build a real connection and avoid being stagnant in small talk is to ask questions.

We love our names, and we also love talking about ourselves. It’s understandable, we know ourselves better than any other subject so it comes naturally. When we ask someone about themselves it makes them feel important and interesting.

A real interest in other people is the best gift that you can give them. Too many people only care about themselves and it ruins a lot of potentially beautiful relationships.

Whether it’s deeply revealing questions or just your basic small talk questions, you should always keep in mind the 5 W’s. (And the one H)

Who, what, where, when, why, and how.

Whenever someone makes a statement you can build the conversation off of it by asking a question that gets them to reveal more details about their statement.

If someone mentions that they went to a certain university you now have the ‘where’ and ‘what’ but you can still ask them why they chose that university, how they got along there, or when they started.

When you keep those 6 questions in mind you can always slip one in to continue the conversation and reveal a little bit more about the person.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you should avoid questions that have one or two word answers. If you get a short answer, ask a follow up question and continue exploring the details.

Offer Compliments

You might be noticing a trend by now. Having productive small talk that actually leads to a real relationship is all in making the conversation about the other person.

We say their name to create familiarity and make them feel important. We ask them questions to make the conversation flow better, since we are all experts in the subject of ourselves. And we should also offer them compliments.

There is nothing more powerful than a real compliment and there is something to be noticed in everyone.

My general guideline for compliments is that I try to avoid anything generic. It is always better to give a compliment that you actually believe. Also, I usually like to break my compliment into two statements, first I introduce the compliment and then I detail it.

“You are honestly such a positive person. It’s so nice to see someone with such a genuine smile on their face.”

A real compliment can go a long way in cultivating a connection with someone.

The saying goes, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But I have always preferred my own version, “If you have something nice to say, you have to say it.”

Mirror Them

People feel more comfortable when they are talking to someone who reflects their mannerisms, tone, talking speed, and general energy levels.

It helps to cultivate that feeling of familiarity and give the impression that you are both on the same page.

While you should follow your partners lead to make them feel comfortable, don’t copy everything they do down to the T.

If they are calm and relaxed, and you are chock full of energy, there won’t be any cohesion in your conversation.

Match their general vibe and the conversation will be smoother and overall more enjoyable.

Hopefully with these tips you will be well on your way to having small talk that actually leads to something instead of being a stagnant dead end.

I still dream of the day that I can walk up to someone and immediately have those amazing discussions about life, love, fear, ambition, and all the other things that make my heart beat a little faster.

But until then, let’s take our small talk from being a chore, to being a door to something beautiful. Because we all have that beauty inside of us, we just have to get comfortable enough to let it out.

Thank you for being a part of this beautiful conversation, I love you all.

Replace your Should with a Could

They say you should be yourself.

I’m not sure who they are but I’m starting to think that they are on to something.

Every time you act like someone you aren’t or do something you don’t want to just to appease someone, you get a little bit further away from who you are.

Fear

Everyone agrees that you should be yourself. There are thousands of quotes and motivational pictures depicting this. No one would ever tell you “Be more like someone else.”

So why is it people still spend so much of their time doing things they don’t want to, and traveling down a path that isn’t right for them?

It’s because of fear. They are afraid that what they want in their heart won’t work out.

Afraid that if they take the leap there won’t be anything there to catch them.

They let fear push them into a corner.

Should

I hate that word. I encourage you to throw it out of your vocabulary.

Whenever you are using this word it’s because you’re thinking about something that you don’t want to do, but for some reason feel like you have to.

I should go to university. I should get a normal job. I should settle down.

This word is a virus that you have because you’ve been surrounded by it your whole life. You parents, teachers, peers and society have all instilled their own “shoulds” into you.

After writing that word so many times it looks alien to me. I hope it looks alien to you as well.

Every time this word appears in your life I want you to think very carefully about how it got there and if you really need it.

Could

I would encourage you instead to replace all of your shoulds with coulds.

Could is a word that I can get behind. It allows you to imagine possibilities.

When you are thinking of a could, you are allowing yourself to believe in something that you want.

I could start that business I’ve been thinking about. I could talk to that cute cashier. I could travel around Europe.

It’s a much more useful word.

Rid yourself of the shoulds and start thinking in coulds.

You’ll explore more of who you are and less of who other people want you to be.

Ten Commandments Of Learning

I’ve tried a few things in my lifetime. Some of them I have been good at, and others have caused me to fall flat on my face like Bambi.

I’ve learned how to play the drums, how to do door to door sales, speak/act on a public stage, create YouTube videos, work out, and the list goes on.

I’ve always enjoyed learning new things and throughout the years I started to realize that any venture you plan on undertaking will have certain universal truths that can help you be successful.
And save you a LOT of time.

I could write an article on each of these, but I want to give you something comprehensive.

Without further ado, here are my “Ten Commandments of Learning.”

1) Be Passionate

No matter what you are going to try, you have to have passion.
It has to invigorate you.

If your venture doesn’t excite you then at some point you are going to lose interest and motivation. You don’t want to get into something that you will eventually drop and forget about.

If the thought of sewing doesn’t excite you, pick something else. This should be common sense but you would be surprised how many people do things with a lack of passion.

Maybe they want to impress other people or they think it’s something they should learn.

Don’t do something for any other reason than fulfilling a passion. Otherwise the results will be lack luster and you will waste your time.

2) Learn From The Professionals

We are lucky to live in the internet age. There are thousands of qualified people giving out free information at every turn.

Instead of just jumping in head first without knowing anything, take a little bit of time to research some people that have already succeeded in your venture and allow them to be digital mentors.

If you have a credible professional closer to you then great, learn in person. Unfortunately most people won’t have that luxury.

You can find hundreds of YouTube videos, blogs, magazines and podcasts on any topic.

This will save you a lot of time spent learning things the hard way. These people have already learned things the hard way, use them as a resource.

Get a digital mentor, or ten, and get cracking.

3) Start Small (*ere ere* Break it down now)
My impression of DJ scratching.

I can not stress how important this one is. Learn the absolute basics first, master them, and then move on to the next stages.

When I was teaching people how to do door to door sales I would focus on one thing at a time. Usually I would start with body language or voice projection.

I wouldn’t even worry about the pitch, closing a sale, or any fine details for a while.

Before any of that, they had to learn the basics.

When you learn an instrument you don’t start off playing Mozart. You don’t even learn a song right away.

First, you start by learning how to hold it, how to play scales and how to take care of it.

Learn what the basics are and then master them.

4) Fall Into A Phase

If you want to learn something effectively you have to immerse yourself in it. Willingly accept that this is something you love and for a time it will take up a lot of your attention.

People might become annoyed when they notice that you talk about this venture a lot and you relate everything back to it, but this will help integrate it into your very being.

I learn everything by going into phases. Right now I am in a positive thinking and willpower phase. I watch YouTube videos about it, listen to audio books, meditate, do positive affirmations and a whole list of other things.

When you go into a phase you may partially neglect other parts of your life and that’s fine because right now you are focusing on something important to you.

You also have to realize that this venture won’t be your main focus for your whole life, but after it is over the lessons you learned will be integrated into you and will help you in any other endeavors.

Allow yourself to fall into a phase and you will learn ten times faster.

5) Dedicate An Allotted Daily Time to Practice

So you have allowed yourself to fall down the rabbit hole and you are deep in a phase.

You spend time learning about your venture, and immersing yourself in your venture, but you must ensure you practice it.

All the theory in the world isn’t worth anything if you never practice and you need to set aside a daily time slot to do so.
It has to be everyday, non-negotiable.

It can be an hour, or ten minutes. If you think you don’t have enough time to practice, then make the time.

Wake up a half hour earlier and do it then, before the birds are chirping and the world is breathing down your neck.

This goes hand in hand with being in a phase because you might not be able to do this for your whole life.

But right now, you need to do it. Get it done everyday, no excuses.

6) Connect With Others On The Same Path

I am a firm believer that you can’t do everything on your own.

You will run into other people while you are venturing down your path. Use their help.

Ask them for advice, get them to practice with you, have discussions with them, and allow them to be a part of your immersion process.

You can find these people on forums, in YouTube comments, or in everyday life.

If you surround yourself with people that have the same interest you will always have a second perspective and a motivator.

7) Allow Yourself To Fail

I’ll let you in on a little secret.

Anything you have ever done, you have failed at. From speaking, to walking, to brushing your teeth, and everything in between.

The first thirty times you tried walking you literally fell flat on your ass.

So why do we associate failure with embarrassment when we are older?

I guarantee that if you fail at anything one hundred times, you will be better at it than ninety percent of people.

You will learn a bit about yourself, and your craft, every time you fail.

The difference between the master and the beginner is that the master has failed more times than the beginner has ever tried.

8) Teach Another Person

This is the part of the puzzle that most people never fit in. In order to truly internalize a skill you need to teach it.

This will force you to look at the learning experience from every angle and examine your craft down to the smallest details so that you can answer any question.

When you teach someone else something that you have learned, they will experience obstacles that you may not have experienced. You will learn from their failures just as you learned from yours.

Not to mention that you will be helping someone and making the world better.
Each one teach one.

9) Keep It In Your Thoughts

Before you go to bed and night and when you wake up in the morning make sure your venture is on your mind.

Imagine yourself at the end of your journey, a master of new skills, a more resilient version of yourself.

Remind yourself why you started, and why you will persevere through any obstacles.

I like to do this by having daily affirmations. Before I lay in bed at night and before I get up in the morning I repeat a chosen phrase to myself. I close my eyes and visualize my goal as if I am already there.

The mind is a powerful thing and whatever you focus on the most is what will come to fruition in your life.
Make sure it is your goal.

10) Be Humble

Never assume that you know more than anyone else. Take criticism gracefully.

Take the positive out of everything that you can and leave the negative behind.

You must always view yourself as a student, learning as much as you can from all sources.

It is essential that you remain humble and open, otherwise you will not be in the state required for optimal learning. If you are closed minded and arrogant you won’t grow.

These are my ten commandments for learning.

I live by them every day. They will give you the foundation to build your dreams on.

Learning something new is always scary, but if you remember that the commandments are always the same you will feel as though you are walking a familiar path.
It’s a beautiful stroll, isn’t it?

Make Your Mind A Negative FREE Zone

What a nightmare.

I was face to face with my mortal enemy, and I couldn’t do a thing about it.

I could feel my blood boiling, my heart racing, and my adrenaline pumping. I tried to tell myself to stay calm, but I was shaking with anger.

I was finding myself in this situation more and more often since his family had moved in with my girlfriend’s family. Talk about a universal joke on everyone involved.

My girlfriend at the time had more reason to hate him than I did, I have no idea how she dealt with it.

I always hated that I felt all this anger towards him, but he felt nothing.

No matter how much I held his image in my mind, wishing all manner of evil towards him, he was unaffected.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
-Mark Twain

That is how anger works.

You are the only one who is affected by your anger. No matter how justified it is, you have to deal with consequences of your negative thoughts.

Your frame of mind will decay and you will torment yourself the longer you continue this destructive thinking.

This is the same for all negative thinking or emotions.

If you are envious of someone, you feel the negativity and their lives are unchanged.

Apply this thinking to any pessimistic emotions you have and you will see this is always the result.

You can’t avoid everyone who will drag you down or rile you up.

But no matter how much they get to you, I want you to stop thinking about them and stop talking about them.

Not because they deserve to get off scot free, this isn’t for their benefit, but because you deserve to be happy.

Imagine your mind is your bed room.

Your thoughts are the posters and knickknacks you decorate it with.

Would you ever cover your room in pictures of people you hate? Would you ever allow any object into your room that upsets you?

So why are you letting so much of this garbage into your mind? After all, you are in your mind every moment of every day.

I am firm believer that negativity can only breed more negativity. If you can’t forgive and forget, pick one.

Keep your mind clean for your own benefit.

Decorate it with everything that invigorates and uplifts you.

The world outside can drag you down at every turn, don’t drag yourself down on the inside as well.

PS:

I wrote this a couple of days ago and something weird happened last night.
I saw my old “Mortal Enemy” again.

I was going to an event to support a friend who is a DJ and as I walked in I recognized the security guard.
It was him.

You can call it a coincidence, but whatever it was, it was weird. I saw in his eyes that he wanted peace, and so did I.

After all the time and energy I wasted, after all the negativity I allowed into my life, it meant nothing.

Peace in your mind creates peace in your life.
And you deserve a peaceful life.

Appreciation and Gratitude

I have big news.

I am going to be moving out soon. Most likely on the first of august. It’s a big step in my life that I am very excited about.

Whenever big changes are happening in our lives we tend to reflect on what we are leaving behind. I’ve realized that I have a greater appreciation for things while looking back than I did in the actual moment.

I have a love/hate relationship with my cats, but now that I am moving I know that I will miss them. I don’t always appreciate my family, but now that I know I won’t be seeing them as often, I consciously put in more effort. It makes me wonder why I didn’t have this attitude the whole time.

It seems we appreciate everything more in retrospect.

The aim of life is appreciation; there is no sense in not appreciating things; and there is no sense in having more of them if you have less appreciation of them. -Gilbert K. Chesterton

I want to give my family and the people around me the appreciation they deserve. I came up with an exercise to keep things in perspective and encourage myself to show my gratitude to those who deserve it.

Imagine you are retired.

Your memories seem so distant, you’ve let go of any grudges and you reminisce every once in a while in a nostalgic state. Even the small moments, laughing with a co-worker forty years ago, are cherished gems that have so much emotion attached you could shed a tear just thinking about them.

You laugh to yourself when you realize that so many of the things you were so preoccupied with, weren’t really that important.

You wish you could reach out to certain people, you wish you could tell them how much they meant to you.

Are there people in your life you aren’t appreciating enough?

Visualizing myself being older and looking back helps to keep the important things in perspective.

The more I think about it the more I realize that the memories I will cherish the most are the times I exchange gratitude and appreciation with the people around me. I don’t want to look back and feel like I didn’t give my whole heart to the people around me.

If you feel the same, tell the people in your life that you appreciate them.

That’s all you have to say to give someone a memory that will last a life time. Just say “I appreciate you.”