Being Confident Without Being Arrogant

We naturally assume that when someone has problems with confidence, it’s that they don’t have enough of it. But this isn’t always true.

Confidence, like most other traits, is a spectrum. You can have too little, which results in a low self esteem, or you can have too much which results in arrogance.
You can say hubris if you want to sound polite and fancy.

The key is to have a healthy confidence. Like the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears you shouldn’t have too much or too little, but just enough.

Having a low self esteem can make you hate yourself, but being arrogant can make everyone else hate you.

Having a low self esteem can lead to:
Self sabotage, poor relationship and social skills, lack of assertiveness, neediness or dependence, and when it gets really bad it can lead to things like eating disorders and self harm.

But on the other end of the spectrum, arrogance can lead to:
An inability to handle criticism, a lack of empathy, having unreasonable expectations of favourable treatment and delusions of grandeur.

Which are all pretty undesirable personality traits.

Maintaining a healthy confidence is a fine line to walk and you need a lot of qualities. It’s accepting yourself even if you aren’t perfect. It’s having a healthy self-esteem, and it’s having the ability to go through life knowing deep down that for better or worse, you are who you are and that is okay.

So what are the three main qualities you need in order to walk that fine line between self deprecation and delusions of grandeur?

Humility

It can be hard to walk that fine line when you are really good at something. When you are winning your first reaction might be jumping up in the air screaming “Yes! Who’s the best!? I’m the best!”

But that is a sure fire way to look arrogant.

When you win, use humility to make others around you feel good. When you lose, use humility to know that you can always improve next time.

Respect

If you respect yourself and the people around you a healthy self-confidence is sure to follow.

Don’t put yourself in situations you don’t feel comfortable in and try not to put yourself down too often. Respect yourself in this way, as well as the people around you.

It might take time to develop this trait, but start by catching yourself whenever you aren’t showing respect to yourself or the people around you.

Generosity

We tend to have negative self-talk constantly. We spend so much time beating ourselves up that it’s no wonder we don’t have a healthy confidence.

Be generous in giving yourself compliments and pats on the back. And while you’re at it, be generous with others in this way.

A few kind words can go a long way to making your day—or someone else’s—a thousand times brighter.

With these three tips, we can feel good about ourselves without becoming arrogant in the process. We often tend live in one extreme or the other, but true happiness and lasting confidence comes from balance.

So exercise humility, show yourself some respect and be generous with kind words—you’ll build a foundation of self-confidence that will carry you throughout life.

The Most Helpful Guide To Being Likable (25 tips)

I was a shy kid when I was younger.

I wasn’t exactly normal. I had a blood disorder and I had a special teacher in class because I had trouble learning and fitting in.

Also, I had ridiculously curly hair, it was an afro.
Why did my parents let me have an afro!?

The worst part is that hair would be so awesome right now.
I was ahead of my time.

Needless to say, I just wanted some love… Or at least some like.

We all want to be liked, right? These days people generally like me, but sometimes I still feel like that weird kid with the curly hair. I’m still hoping to be liked every day.

So that is what I’m here to do today, help all the weird people become more likable… Okay, normal people can read this too.
Who am I kidding, NO ONE is normal!

So here it is: The Most Helpful Guide To Being Likable.
These tips are in no specific order. Let’s go!

1) Smile!

Everyone is happier around people who smile. If you smile more often, guess what? People will smile back. You will brighten up their day a little bit and they will like you more because of it!

70% of communication is non-verbal and when you smile you show that you are happy, confident, and attentive. This is key in becoming more likable.

2) Eye Contact!

Studies have shown that people who maintain higher levels of eye contact appear to be more likable, stable, confident, trustworthy and attractive, among other qualities.

Not only that, but maintaining eye contact shows that you are fully engaged in the interaction instead of thinking about tomorrows breakfast. People like being valued over breakfast foods, trust me.

3) Offer Compliments!

We are all insecure, and if you say you aren’t insecure then that means that you are not secure in your insecurities! So what should we do to help each other out with these pesky insecurities?

If you have something nice to say, SAY IT! A compliment can turn someone’s day around completely and they will like you more because of that.

4) Keep Promises!

No matter how small a promise is, it is still a promise. If you can’t keep to your word then no one will trust you. If people can’t trust you then how can they like you?

In this age of ditching plans and forgetfulness, reliability is a rare quality. If you keep promise people will remember.

5) Don’t Speak In Monotone!

Imagine the teacher from Ferris Bueller’s day off. Would you want to hang out with that guy?

No one wants to listen to someone who sounds like a robot. Use different tones and volumes in your speech to keep the other person’s attention.

6) Use Names!

We all like hearing our own name, it’s like a sweet song to us. It let’s us know that the person talking to us sees us as an individual and that they care enough to remember us.

This works even better if you remember someone’s name the second time you bump into them. It creates familiarity and comfort, which everyone likes.

7) Laugh!

There is something called the “law of state transference.” It states that if you are showcasing a certain emotion or state, that people around you are more likely to experience that emotion as well.

Can you remember the last time someone very sad was around you. It probably made you feel a little awkward, and sad as well. Even if your jokes aren’t the greatest, if you are genuinely laughing, the other person will be much more likely to laugh as well. Try it out!

8) Slight Touches!

We all like human contact. It releases small doses of the chemicals in our brain that can cause us to feel love. That doesn’t mean that if you touch someone they’ll turn into a love zombie for you, but a slight touch can cause someone to be more endeared towards you.

Just make sure they are very slight touches in safe place. Don’t reach below the belt. Keep it to the shoulders, arms, or upper back and do it in a joking and playful fashion.

9) Open Body Language!

70% of communication is non-verbal. When you stand with your arms crossed and your head slightly down you will be subconsciously conveying to everyone that you are not open to conversation or other people.

Open yourself up, lean back, uncross your arms and smile. All signs of openness will show people that you are ready to engage, and people will like that.

10) Pay Attention!

Use your listening skills, stay off your phone and show the people around you that when you are talking to them, they are your highest priority. No one wants to repeat themselves, and no one wants to talk to someone who doesn’t even value them enough to give them their attention.

11) Show Confidence!

When you are confident, people will gravitate towards you. If you seem awkward people will assume that any interaction with you will be awkward. And who wants that? Not me, not the cashier, and not even your grandmother.

12) Exit Small Talk ASAP!

Small talk is needed to start off a new relationship, but you will never leave any sort of lasting impact on people if you only ever engage in small talk.

Use my guide to get from small talk, to deep relationships and you will never have to spend twenty minutes discussing the weather again!

13) Find Common Ground!

Most of the time people enjoy talking about things that they enjoy. Who would have thought?

If you want someone to enjoy your company more and like you more, find some common ground that way you can both enjoy the conversation. This will create a snowball effect of enjoyment.

14) Provide Value!

If you can teach someone something, they will be more likely to remember and like you. It’s even better if it’s something that pertains to them. Providing value isn’t just for business, it’s for relationships as well.

15) Groom Yourself!

If you are smelly, people might not like being around you, sorry. You can’t change who you are but a general rule is that you should try not to be too offensive to the senses.

Groom yourself, shower, put a little effort into your style and you’ll instantly be more likable.

16) Be Positive!

Don’t be a Negative Nancy, a Debbie Downer, a Pessimistic Paul or a Gloomy Gary.

As we’ve learned you’ll end up bringing others down through the law of state transference and they won’t like it, or you, very much at all. Stay positive, people will like you more and you’ll like yourself more.

17) Tell Stories!

Nothing is better than a good story, and nothing is more painful than a bad one. Through good stories you can make people happy, make them laugh, teach them something, leave them in awe, or cause a whole spectrum of other outcomes.

Humans have communicated through stories since we could speak, and maybe even before that. Become a better story teller and all of your relationships will improve.

18) Tell a Secret!

Studies have shown that when you tell someone a secret, even a small one, it will make them trust you more. This is probably a similar effect to state transference, if someone trusts you enough to tell you a secret, then you are more likely to trust them.

And as we’ve said before in the promises section, a base level of trust is a requirement for likability. Secrets create familiarity as well, making you seem closer to the person you entrust your secret with.

19) Mirroring!

In the same vein as finding common ground, we like people who share similarities to us. A known way of creating that feeling of similarity and familiarity is to slightly mirror the person you are speaking with.

Standing in a similar stance and using similar hand gestures can help in creating this perceived similarity, but don’t focus on this to much or you won’t be paying attention. Which is point 10.

20) Ask a Small Favour!

The Benjamin Franklin Effect is the idea that when we do someone a favour, we justify it to ourselves by thinking that we did the favour because we like the person. If you ask someone for very small favours, they will oblige and then like you more. Plus, you will get the opportunity to thank them and they will feel good about themselves. It’s a win-win.

“He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.”
-Benjamin Franklin

21) Be Humble!

While you should be confident enough to strike up conversations and hold your own, don’t brag too much and try to impress people. No one likes a ‘one-upper’, someone who always has to outdo every story that people tell.

Just be comfortable in who you are, and show some humility.

22) Don’t Judge Anyone!

You don’t want people to judge you, so why would anyone enjoy being judged by you.

Even if you aren’t judging the person that you are talking to, if you are judging others around them, they will assume you judge them when they are not around. If you show that you are an accepting person they will feel much more comfortable around you and like you a lot more for it.

23) Ask Questions!

Asking genuine questions will lead to deeper conversations and show people that you have an actual interest in them as a person. Don’t make the conversation all about yourself, ask some good questions and you will find so much more beauty in the people around you.

24) Acknowledge Everyone!

When you are walking down the street, nod at people and smile at them. Ask your cashiers how their day is going. Acknowledge as many people as you can and everyone will like you more. After a while of doing this, you will become more confident and you will naturally radiate a positive, open energy.

25) End on Good Terms!

The first impression you make on someone, and the last impression you make before leaving are important. When you are done talking with someone, take the time to tell them that you enjoyed the conversation.

This will put the law of state transference into effect and they will probably say that they enjoyed talking to you as well. This is a compliment, a sharing of mutual enjoyment, and a great way to leave a good impression for next time.

Well, those are my tips.

I still feel like that weird kid sometimes, but I try to follow these tips so that I can have the best possible relationships with everyone around me because you know what?

We all have weird people inside of us who just want to be liked.

I like you, and I hope you like me too!

The Most Powerful Technique For Change: The Interrupt Mantra

I Was Starting To Feel Like A Robot.

After being alive for 22 years so many of my reactions were automatic, as if the result of programming over time. Even my thoughts were automatic.

Someone insults me, I become angry and brood over it. A girl that I think is cute stands near me, I immediately become self conscious. I worry about things I can’t control even though I know it does nothing to help, I become anxious.

I would spiral into my thoughts without ever taking a moment to question whether these feelings and thoughts really represented me, or if they were just auto-pilot responses.

Your Brain Wants To Conserve Energy.

Do you ever look out the window on a rainy day? At first the rain goes anywhere, but it quickly starts to form paths and the rest of the water follows down those paths. It’s easier to travel where it has already been, it follows the path of least resistance.

Your brain is the same way. If you have encountered a situation before, you’re brain will recognize it and go on auto-pilot, reacting the same way it did in the past. It will associate this situation with the situations before it and follow protocol.

*Beep Boop* Attractive member of opposite sex is nearby. Initiate low self-esteem thought pattern. *Beep Boop*

But I was tired of doing what I had always done, I was only getting what I had always got.

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them”
-Albert Einstein

Seeing Things As They Are.

I wanted out of the endless loops and auto-pilot reactions. I wanted to take control of my life again.

I had to consciously choose to see everything with fresh eyes. I needed to decide at every moment if my thoughts were serving me, or harming me.

“The mind: A beautiful servant, a dangerous master.”
-OSHO

Many of the qualities that I didn’t want were being inflated by these auto-pilot reactions.

Once I started seeing everything for what it was and not allowing these automatic thought patterns take over, I realized that I had not respecting myself.

I was allowing myself to become angry over nothing, to worry about nothing, to feel unworthy over nothing. My automatic reactions were always negative.

I needed to change the way I reacted to things. I needed to interrupt these automatic negative thoughts and replace them with my own, more useful, positive thoughts.

The Interrupt Mantra.

This is a resourceful technique that I have taught to many people with great success.

Once you have identified a negative automatic thought pattern—maybe you get lost in thoughts of being unworthy, angry or depressed—you have to come up with an interrupt mantra that combats it.

If you have problems with anger your interrupt mantra might read something like this: “I am a calm person, I value my happiness over all else and I will not let outside events control me.”

When a situation arises that sends you into the auto-pilot response of getting angry, you interrupt those thoughts with your interrupt mantra. Repeat your mantra as many times as you need to until you pull yourself out.

At first the interrupt mantra will just serve as a way to stop yourself from spiraling into your negative thoughts, but after enough practice your new way of thinking will be your brains first reaction. It will be the path most taken, and will thus become the automatic response.

Try creating an interrupt mantra that suits your needs.

A couple examples:

ANGER: “I am a calm person, I value my happiness over all else and I will not let outside events control me.”

CONFIDENCE: “Being confident is not the absence of nerves, but carrying on despite them. I am confident that I can handle any situation that comes my way, even if it makes me nervous initially.”

ANXIETY: “It is useless to worry about things that I can not control. I am calm and I trust that everything will work out. Even if I worry sometimes, I will not let my worries beat me.”

SADNESS: “I am a strong person. I have been sad before and I have made it out alive. I can’t be defeated by sadness and I won’t allow it to take over.”

These interrupt mantras can be the first step in changing the way you react to the situations you face in life. It will feel a little unnatural to say them at first, you might not believe the words that are coming out of your mouth, but keep repeating them.

Keep interrupting the negative auto-pilot responses and keep reaching towards something better for yourself. You don’t deserve to be angry, sad, anxious, lonely, jealous, or anything that you don’t want to be.

You can change the way you think, but it won’t be easy.

See things the way they are, decide what you want them to be, and use your interrupt mantra to move towards that goal.

The rain on your windowsill doesn’t automatically have to be a sad sight.
It can be whatever you want it to be.

THANK YOU

I’ve been writing consistently for just about a year now.

At first, writing was just a cathartic exercise to help me express myself and feel relief from the things I struggled with. In all honesty my first post was about a woman that I liked and how I didn’t feel good enough for her.

I started writing at a time when I felt like I had no one to talk to. I know that I have many people in my life that care about me, but I didn’t want to change the image they saw of me.

So I wrote everything down online, and for a long time no one paid attention. I didn’t mind that.

But eventually people started relating to my stories. I always tried to put a positive spin on everything and focus on solutions to these struggles, instead of the endless negatives that came with them.

Fast forward a year and 2HelpfulGuys has released our first book.

“Not So F.A.Q.: Common Questions, Uncommonly Asked.”

It is a compilation of questions Leroy and I receive on a daily basis. Some are the most common questions about confidence and health etc., and some are more specific questions that strike a chord within us.

In this book I wrote my answers as if the asker and I were sitting outside looking at the stars in deep conversation.

I answered with my heart and put my own experiences with these struggles out there for them to relate.

Although I was answering one person, this conversation would not be for their eyes alone, and that scared me. Not only was I revealing myself to anyone who would care to look, but people would be paying for these insights.

I’m not good at asking people for money. With this book I’ve had a really hard time asking people if they’d like to buy, simply because I want to share this message with everyone without strings attached.

But the problem is that I want this to be my career. I want so desperately to have the resources to continue to spread our messages and help the people we resonate with.

Leroy and I at 2HelpfulGuys have dreams so big that they would surely be laughed at, but we have a deep routed attraction towards these dreams and the good that they will accomplish.

Even with this in mind, I still have a hard time asking people if they want to buy our book.

This made me worry.

I didn’t know if I was good enough, after all, I’m still a work in progress. I’m not perfect and I’ve never been perfect. I’ve often felt like I’ve been worse than most people out there.

But someone left a review to our book that made me realize that all of this worrying and fear was unwarranted. One specific thing that they said struck a chord with me.

“This book is inspiring because the authors pull back the polished masks folks wear and show the teeming process that is happening underneath. The reader is invited to actively think along with the answers being presented, and instead of being the last word on the subject, the answers that the authors give are more like a jumping off place.”

I don’t have all the answers, and I would never try to say that I am better than anyone else. I am still going through the process of improving myself every single day, and this reader understood that.

I was so worried that people would expect our answers to be a one stop cure to everything that they struggle with, but the truth is, we can only offer each other a new path to journey; a new perspective and new tools to carry with us in our growth.

Writing these articles week after week, working through my problems with you and hearing your insights has helped me to grow in ways I could never have imagined.

So I’m writing this post for you, our readers, as a thank you for giving us the opportunity to grow with you.

I’ve written about my fears, my dreams, and my mistakes, and every time we have helped each other work through these difficulties.

With our growing popularity I have often become tempted to leave out the blood, sweat and tears from my stories for the fear that people will think I am not a worthy teacher.

But as always you have shown me that these struggles are what connect us. We all go through tough times, it is what makes us human.

So thank you for teaching me every day, for growing with me and for accepting me as I am, at my highest and at my lowest.

I will continue to serve you to the best of my ability, and maybe one day in the future we will sit underneath the stars and have those beautifully deep conversations about the trials we’ve struggled through and the dreams we yearn for.

Until then,

Steven Farquharson, 2HelpfulGuys

Expand Your Comfort Zone Today

Looking back, all the valuable skills I ever learned required a phase of discomfort. The first time you try something new you have no idea what you are doing and that would make anyone uncomfortable.

I remember the first day I did door to door sales. While walking up to the first house that I was going to knock on, I felt like I was going to throw up or die; whichever came first.

But, here I am today. After knocking on countless doors and talking to thousands of people I can do it without breaking a sweat. It’s made me a more outgoing person and has expanded my comfort zone so that I am comfortable in more social situations than ever before.

That’s the way your comfort zone works. You want to stay in it as much as possible, but the only way you can possibly grow as a person is to venture outside of it. Once you’ve spent enough time outside your comfort zone, it grows to include that newly explored territory.

There is an amazing sense of accomplishment in the moment when you conquer something outside your comfort zone.

Leroy and I have been writing articles for 2HelpfulGuys for quite a while, but when we first started we were petrified. Now we are releasing our first book and I’m scared again, I have no idea if it will be received well.

But we know that pushing outside our comfort zone will make us stronger, so we keep pushing.

If you want to take your first steps outside of your comfort zone, here are some things that you can try.

Contact A Celebrity You Admire.

We tend to feel like there is some sort of invisible wall between us and the people we look up. The idea of interacting with them might seem a little far-fetched and make us uncomfortable. If that is the case for you, you have to give it a try.

I tweeted at my favourite author, James Altucher, and not only did he answer back, he followed me!

It might not seem like a very big deal but trust me, when you accomplish something like this you will feel like the whole world is in your reach. Your comfort zone will expand and you will believe no one is too big to contact.

Who knows, maybe one day you end up in a conversation with a CEO that might change your life?

Start Conversations With Strangers.

If there is anything that makes people uncomfortable, it’s striking up a conversation with someone in public. As a society it seems too uncomfortable to even sit beside someone on the bus, let alone have a conversation with them!

So the next time you are in public, step outside that comfort barrier and try talking to someone random.

Do this on a bus, in a mall, at the grocery store or wherever you see people in public. I guarantee that once you do it a few times, your comfort zone will grow and you will be able to do it without a problem.

Force Yourself To Face A Fear.

If there is a one-step method to getting out of your comfort zone, this is it.

Like most people, I used to be afraid of public speaking. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you view it, I was asked to speak at a conference when I was 13.

I was asked to speak about my blood disorder and how it affected me. The very idea of getting up on stage and talking about my personal struggles with hundreds of people seemed like a nightmare to me. But I did it regardless.

I remember my eyes watering up so much that I couldn’t see the page, and my legs felt like rusty machinery that needed to be oiled.

After this experience I realized that I loved being on stage and I started to take drama classes. Now I am a lot more comfortable on stage in front of people. Hopefully I’ll be able to speak in front of a larger crowd one day and expand my comfort zone even further.

Being uncomfortable is well, uncomfortable. So it makes sense that we want to stay inside that zone where we feel at home. We don’t have to be nervous, risk messing up or getting embarrassed. But we also don’t grow.

That is why you need to step outside your comfort zone as often as possible. When you become comfortable with feelings of discomfort, you’ll be able to accomplish anything.

Expand your comfort zone as large as you possibly can and conquer your world.